There has been a lot on my mind recently; some family and parent related, some work and child related, a lot of overlap with relationship between home/school/church/current events and trends.
One of the teens said something the other week and when I started to respond they stopped me and said “wait, we've talked about this before. You're gonna tell me X, Y, and Z. And you're right.” That felt like an amazing moment. I will also add that even though they said they knew what they ought to do/say, they did not in fact do/say the thing. That's a human thing though. There are some things we can't help but do even when we know we ought to do differently. But we can keep trying.
I love the relationships we have with our children. I love the relationships that they have with us; they are always texting fun things that cross their mind, they ask thought-provoking questions and want to be involved in deeper conversations, they push back a little when we ask them to do something but usually not very hard. They know there are reasons for us asking things of them. I can genuinely say that I enjoy the people our children are, and I choose to spend time with them.
I came across something someone said or posted online somewhere; they said that their goal as a parent was to be someone their children would choose to be around. I feel it's the other way around – we have so much input into our children, how do we take what they are when they're born and turn them into people we enjoy spending time with? I'm not talking about being your child's best friend instead of their parent; they need a parent, not a friend. But I'm talking about actual work and input; things like “this is how you have a conversation. This is what is acceptable in public. This is the proper use of sarcasm and dark humour. This is how to stay within a boundary for yours and everyone else's sake.”
Things like resilience and when to listen to what your body is telling you and when to push through because it will make you stronger. Tough lessons like “the only way out is through” and “sometimes it's gonna be painful but it'll pass eventually”. Things like how to live in moderation without too much self-denying or self-indulging; the balance that life needs to be fulfilling and worthwhile. In order to make well-rounded adults we need well-rounded children; ones who are able to do difficult things even when they don't want to, ones who are able to think outside the box and outside themselves, ones who can make us smile with their wit (even biting wit) instead of shake our heads at the meanness of their roasting.
It is a lot of work to teach, model, and sculpt children into amazing adults but it's better than the alternative; having children who are so self-focused they aren't able to consider a greater/broader good, or ones that are just nasty to everyone simply because they can be. It means being the one who makes and keeps the boundaries. It means being the adult in the relationship that makes sure the right thing is done. It means making choices with long-term goals in sight, not just what's easy or fun in the moment. It looks like balancing out life with some fun and some not-so-fun. It looks like being yelled at by a small tyrant when they're angry and you have to keep your resolve or they're gonna learn that if they're loud they'll get their way. It looks like worrying that you aren't doing enough, or feeling like you're failing.
The important thing is to keep showing up, keep doing your best. You can only do what you can do, and you might need to find creative ways to keep your sanity, but it will get better. As Littles turn into Biggers the challenges are still there but they shift as their needs shift. But when the foundations are laid early on, it becomes less bumpy because the foundation is so strong.
Educators have a rough time right now, the swing toward gentle parenting (that is actually permissive parenting in how so many parents practice it...) and the use of technology with social media at young ages make the classroom a nightmare of behaviours and personalities. And schools can only do so much without the support of the families to re-direct the energy of the students away from picking at each other to building each other up and working to get through an issue or a difficult situation.
One step at a time, the only way out is through. Together we'll get it eventually.
