I am not okay, but I will be

 Hubby told the Littles that I would not be okay; that I would tell everyone that I was fine, but that I definitely would not be fine. He was right.

Smarty graduates from high school this month. His Commencement Ceremony is on Saturday (which is also my birthday, coincidentally) and I was doing pretty alright with everything. I love seeing the people these guys are growing into, I love spending time with them as they experience their world, and I am excited for the lives they are going to create for themselves. But loving the stages they are at doesn't make it better. I am not okay.

I can be happy for the years we've had with everyone so close and still be just so angry that time passed way too quickly.

I can look back with fondness and look forward with excitement and still mourn the loss of slower, simpler times when everyone was smaller.

Last night we went to the end-of-year band concert for the boys. The night before we went to Girlie's final choir concert. We are planning an open house for a way to say goodbye to people. The month is going to fly by fast and before we know it we will be officially changing our address on our licences.

Through all of this I was feeling pretty good, moving things along and focused on doing the next things. Then last night the music teacher asked the grads to stand up, and suddenly I was not okay.

I am okay with everyone growing up. I am okay with transitions and moving and everything that means.

When we were new parents, and I think everyone hears this, we were told to savour the moments, hold onto them, treasure them. And there were moments that weren't treasured, not every moment was sweet and soft and there have been a lot of heavy parenting challenges; we aren't finished with them yet. But what I wish time could slow as we treasured and cherished those years, They didn't and I feel cheated because of it. It sounds cliche but there's truth to the sentiment that things are over in the blink of an eye.

I swear it was just yesterday that I delivered our first baby. I swear it was last night that it was just the boys and us, a couple of toddlers watching Tractor Tom and fighting over the cars. Maybe it was in the wee hours of this morning that we brought our first girl home from the hospital and just a few hours ago that we completed out family and brought Monkey home (after a super quick delivery!).

I am not okay. But I will be. Normal life transitions, echoing the thoughts and feelings of parents everywhere.

We will be okay. And we will continue to treasure our moments.